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Mirrorball New York City. The A train, trapped under the East River. MARGOT and RON sit, dressed up. They have just been to a wedding. They are about fifty years of age. They are still. Silence. MARGOT Why didn’t you dance with me at the wedding? RON Because. I didn’t want to. (Silence.) MARGOT Why don’t you turn your cell phone on? RON Turning on my cell phone is not going to help. MARGOT That is not what I am talking about. You never turn your cell phone on. You never turn it on when I am around. RON I like privacy. You should know that by now. MARGOT You don’t turn it on because she’s going to call you. She’s going to call you and leave a message so you know where you can meet her and fuck her. RON Who? Who’s gonna leave a message? MARGOT Her. RON Who her? MARGOT The girl you are fucking. RON I’m not fucking anybody. MARGOT Bullshit. RON You know I don’t like it when you curse. MARGOT I will talk however I want to talk. I know you’re fucking somebody. RON I’m not sleeping with somebody else. MARGOT Well, you’re not sleeping with me. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. RON Sure as Hell doesn’t matter. You always act like this when we go to weddings. MARGOT Are you saying I ruin weddings? RON I didn’t say that. I’m saying you always act like this when we go to weddings. (Silence.) MARGOT Why hasn’t the train moved? RON Construction. Probably. MARGOT Under the East River? RON Why not? MARGOT How long have we been stopped? RON At least thirty minutes. MARGOT You don’t know? RON No. MARGOT Check your watch. RON I didn’t wear my watch today. MARGOT I noticed. You haven’t been wearing your watch recently. RON Are you afraid “she” is going to call my watch? MARGOT This is a serious problem in our marriage, and it will continue to be a problem until you turn your cell phone on. Are you listening to me? RON Sh. Something’s wrong. The air conditioning. It stopped. (CONDUCTOR enters. He is young.) CONDUCTOR Attention ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience. We should be moving shortly. RON Why is he telling us that? Why isn’t he using the speaker? Excuse me, why aren’t you using the intercom system? CONDUCTOR We are experiencing a power failure. The power should hopefully be restored momentarily. RON What’s causing it? CONDUCTOR Excuse me? RON My wife is diabetic. What’s causing the power failure? CONDUCTOR We no longer seem to have a power source. RON Why not? CONDUCTOR It appears the power source has been eaten. RON By what? CONDUCTOR I don’t know, sir. Something with a beak and eight tentacles. RON A beak and eight tentacles? MARGOT A squid? CONDUCTOR I didn’t say a squid. I said something with a beak and eight tentacles. (CONDUCTOR removes a harpoon from the conductor’s box.) MARGOT How do you know it has a beak and tentacles? CONDUCTOR Well, miss; it’s eating the train. Passengers too. It ate the first two cars. But don’t worry, you’re in the third-to-last car. We hope to have power restored once the squid is full and stopped eating. We apologize for the delay. RON How did a squid get on the tracks? CONDUCTOR It probably swam. If you have smokes, smoke. Oh...yeah...and if you notice any suspicious behavior or see any unattended baggage, please notify the nearest train conductor. Thank you for riding with MTA. We are working for your safety. (CONDUCTOR exits. Silence.) MARGOT Do you have any mouthwash? I have wedding cake stuck between my teeth. RON Yeah. I just bought some. (RON gives MARGOT a bottle of CVS mouthwash.) MARGOT I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Who bought you this mouthwash? RON I told you, I just got it myself. MARGOT You never buy CVS mouthwash. You always buy Listerine. Why are you carrying this? RON Because I knew you would get cake stuck in your teeth. MARGOT Then why didn’t you buy Listerine? I only use Listerine. You know that. RON It’s the same thing. Listerine sells the formula to CVS. MARGOT It is not the same thing. I use Listerine because it’s a brand that I trust. RON Look! (Reading the label.) 0.01 ml. trcyne. 0.5ml. cyminate. 0.058 ml. alcohol. It’s the exact same mouthwash as Listerine. MARGOT No. It’s not. It tastes difficult. RON How would you know? How would you know if you’ve only been using Listerine for the past ten years? MARGOT I know. I can tell. RON You can tell. MARGOT I can tell by looking at it. RON Yeah. That makes a mess of sense. (CONDUCTOR enters. His clothes are ripped and covered in blood. His harpoon has been bitten in half.) CONDUCTOR Ladies and gentlemen...(He drops what is left of his harpoon)...you have a cigarette? MARGOT Yes. You want one? CONDUCTOR Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you very much. Did you two get married today? MARGOT No. We are coming from a friend’s wedding. CONDUCTOR Oh. Yeah. He called you his wife earlier. I’ve never been married. Is it wonderful? RON Sometimes. CONDUCTOR I met a girl. At the concessions stand. At Yankee Stadium. During the Red Sox series. It’s a shame the Yanks lost. I mean, they didn’t lose that night, but it’s a shame they lost the series. It was the last game of the season the Yanks won. They hammered the Sox and I got the nerve to ask her her name. If the Yanks had gone on to the World Series I was hoping to see her again. I see her at all the Yankees games. Her name is Jeannie. She came from Houston. She wants to be a dancer. I think. That’s what I tell myself. She’s really sweet. She always says thank you and smiles when she gives me my Pepsi. No one smiles like Jeannie. Pretty soon I’m gonna have to ask you two to move to the next car. It looks awful hungry. Is that mouthwash? That’s got alcohol in it, don’t it? RON 0.058 ml. CONDUCTOR Mind if I have a swig? (They give him the bottle. He takes a shot.) CONDUCTOR If I’m not back in ten minutes. Move to the next car. Do you understand me? MARGOT Yes. CONDUCTOR You may just want to move to the last car. Thank you for the cigarette. And thank you for riding with MTA. (CONDUCTOR picks up what is left of the harpoon and exits. Silence.) MARGOT Why don’t you turn your cell phone on? This is why I worry. All you have to do is turn your cell phone on. RON Margot. MARGOT Who is she, Ron? RON There is no “she.” MARGOT I wish there was. It would make this so much easier. Why didn’t you dance with me at the wedding? RON I just didn’t want to. MARGOT When we got married, we danced for hours and, at the end of the night, when everyone was drunk, or passed out, or gone, we danced circles around the room to no music at all. Just the sparkles from the mirrorball. And you jumped on the sparkles and caught them in your hand like fireflies. We never dance anymore. RON I just don’t want to dance anymore. MARGOT I do. RON I know you do. But I don’t. (Silence.) MARGOT I wish you’d turn your cell phone on. I wish you’d turn your cell phone on so I could talk to you. God, I hate you. RON I know you do. We need to move to the last car. MARGOT I know we do. (Silence.) END OF PLAY |
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