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You Rang Lights rise on KYLE, a man in his twenties, wearing a tuxedo and sitting in a diner. He nervously sips a cup of coffee and checks his watch. The cell phone in his pocket — ringer set to the Mexican Hat Dance — rings. KYLE I’m so fucked. (WAITRESS, forties, enters.) WAITRESS You want a refill? KYLE Thanks. (WAITRESS tops him off. KYLE wipes his sweaty forehead with a napkin.) WAITRESS You want to talk? ‘Cause I’m a relationship expert, and you look like you could use some help. KYLE Oh, no, really. I’m fine. WAITRESS You don’t look fine—got the tux, the twelve cups of coffee, the looking at your watch thing. KYLE I appreciate your— WAITRESS Just ask anybody: around here I’m known as the Love Doctor. KYLE Just leave me alone, alright?! WAITRESS Suit yourself. You know where to find me, sweet cheeks. (WAITRESS exits.) VOICE Not bad, huh? KYLE What? VOICE Nice rack. KYLE Who said that? VOICE …A little on the older side, but friendly. (KYLE jumps to
his feet. He’s frantic now, chasing his coat tail, KYLE Where are you?! VOICE Calm down. KYLE I’ll find you, you fucker! Come here, come here! (KYLE now realizes he’s made a scene. He speaks to the other unseen patrons.) KYLE (continued) It’s okay, folks. Everything’s okay. Don’t worry about me—nothing to see here. I’m just going to finish my coffee and pay the tab. I’m okay now. Thanks for your concern. (He sits.) I’m losing my mind. I could have sworn— VOICE Try checking your jacket pocket, hotshot. KYLE What? VOICE Get the shit out of your ears—your pocket. (KYLE begins feeling around and pulls out his cell phone. He puts it to his ear.) KYLE Hello? Hello? (Nothing. KYLE puts the phone on the table and rubs his face despairingly.) KYLE It must be the coffee. VOICE Sheila didn’t spike the coffee. It’s me. (KYLE moves closer to the phone.) KYLE You talk? VOICE What’s it sound like? KYLE How do you know the waitress? VOICE In my past life I was her training bra. And let me tell you: amazing. Look, I want you to know that I respect your decision about the wedding. Not everybody’s meant to be married. KYLE How do you know about it? VOICE How do you think? I’m your cell phone. I know everything you do, almost. So tell me, what’s got you down? KYLE It’s nothing. VOICE Spit it out! KYLE I just can’t get used to the idea of having sex with one person for the rest of my life. VOICE A long term relationship isn’t just about sex. KYLE It’s other stuff too. VOICE I think the least you owe Karen is an explanation. KYLE I can’t give her one right now, okay. VOICE It’s a bad time. KYLE Right, I need to think through some things. VOICE I mean a bad time for her. Jesus, you’re a selfish prick. (The phone rings.) There she goes again. Come on, answer me. KYLE I don’t know what to say to her. VOICE Come on… (WAITRESS enters and pours more coffee.) WAITRESS Who you talking to, honey? Customers are asking. KYLE Huh? WAITRESS You were talking to somebody. KYLE No, not me. WAITRESS You okay? VOICE He’s fine. WAITRESS Bernie? Is that you? (WAITRESS picks up the cell phone.) VOICE How you doing Sheila? WAITRESS I thought that was your voice. KYLE You recognize him? VOICE It’s been a lot of years. WAITRESS But I still remember. VOICE We had some good times. KYLE This is getting weird. WAITRESS Remember the prom? VOICE You looked great that night. WAITRESS You were always there to support me, Bernie. VOICE Just doing my job, baby. WAITRESS (To KYLE.) He’s a great listener. VOICE How do you think I got this job? KYLE (To WAITRESS.) You talked to your bra? WAITRESS But you never let anyone tie you down. VOICE Except you, Sheil. You were my first, my last… VOICE and WAITRESS (Singing.) “My everything…” (Phone rings again and continues for a bit.) KYLE I’m glad I could help reunite you two, but I’ve got a problem here. WAITRESS (To KYLE.) Take a powder, honey. KYLE I think maybe I should answer that. VOICE (To WAITRESS.) You were really something, kid. WAITRESS You weren’t so bad yourself, you know. VOICE We were a perfect fit. KYLE Can I have my phone, please? WAITRESS We’re busy, aren’t we my little Bernie-wernie? KYLE But Karen’s probably at the church by now, with all the guests. WAITRESS She’ll get over it. KYLE But her parents paid for the wedding, and now they’re going to be out thousands of— WAITRESS Oh well, life goes on. VOICE Listen to my honey here. KYLE Give me the phone! WAITRESS You had your chance. KYLE But Bernie’s mine. WAITRESS No he’s not! KYLE I pay the bills; he belongs to me. VOICE There’s enough of me to go around, you two. KYLE You heard him; now, give him back. WAITRESS But I don’t want to lose you again, Bern. KYLE Give it! WAITRESS Get lost! VOICE Hey, watch it! (KYLE and WAITRESS struggle; the phone is dropped. The ringer goes dead.) WAITRESS and KYLE Bernie! (KYLE picks the phone up and tries to dial.) KYLE Oh no, this is terrible. WAITRESS Oh, look what you did. Look what you did. (She cries.) KYLE Bernie was right. I have been a selfish bastard. I finally find someone who accepts me for who I am, and I go and throw it all away. It’s a rare thing, isn’t it, to share something like you and Bernie had? Well, I had that too, but until now I just didn’t realize it. WAITRESS It’s never too late to change. KYLE You think so? WAITRESS Bernie taught me that. KYLE What should I do? WAITRESS You might still make it if you hurry. KYLE I’m coming, Karen! (KYLE rushes out.) VOICE Great performance, Sheil. WAITRESS I knew all those acting classes weren’t a waste. VOICE What time do you get off? WAITRESS That’s a loaded question. VOICE Is there any other kind? What do you say we find a corner booth and do a little heavy breathing? WAITRESS Bernie, you had me at hello. END OF PLAY |
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