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His and Hers and His and Hers from The Body Politic Bare stage with a large bed and a full length mirror frame at center stage. MINDY is played by four actors: MINDY’S HEAD, MINDY’S BREASTS, MINDY’S ABS, and MINDY’S THIGHS. All actors are lying in the bed in that order, so the audience can see only MINDY’S HEAD. All actors move in unison until one of the parts is called to the mirror for inspection. Whenever an actor stands at the mirror, the movements of the actor in the mirror reflect the movements of MINDY’S HEAD. (Except for facial expressions.) (Alarm clock rings.) MINDY’S HEAD All right. Let’s get up. MINDY’S THIGHS I’m sore MINDY’S ABS You’re sore! All you have to do is run. I have to do sit ups! (Mindy [all four actors] sits up, yawns, stretches, gets out of bed, stretches arms, then legs, then back. She takes off her pajamas.) MINDY’S HEAD So. Let’s have a look at you. Who’s first? MINDY’S ABS Not me. MINDY’S THIGHS Not me. MINDY’S BREASTS I’ll go. MINDY’S HEAD Thank you dear. MINDY’S THIGHS Oh listen to that. She calls HER dear. (Mindy’s Breasts walk over to the mirror and stand at the frame.) MINDY’S HEAD And how are we feeling? MINDY’S BREASTS Fine. Just fine. A little sore from Michael’s squeezing and kneading last night. Does he think he’s making love to you or making bread? MINDY’S HEAD Well he certainly doesn’t know how to make bread. No lumps or stretching? MINDY’S BREASTS No, not as far as I can tell. You notice anything? MINDY’S HEAD No. Thank God. MINDY’S BREASTS What about running? I think you should stop running. Running could lead to stretching. MINDY’S HEAD No. I can’t stop running. My thighs. MINDY’S THIGHS (Hopefully.) You can stop running! MINDY’S HEAD (Firmly.) No. (Pause.) If you’re really worried about it I’ll get another sports bra. MINDY’S BREASTS (Sarcastically.) Great! Another sports bra. The modern equivalent of foot binding. MINDY’S HEAD All right. That’s enough out of you. I’ll get the bra tomorrow. Next! (Mindy’s Breasts leave mirror frame and Mindy’s Abs take their place.) MINDY’S HEAD Well you’re looking better. But not good enough. MINDY’S ABS Shit. MINDY’S HEAD Get down and give me twenty. (Mindy sits down on the floor and does twenty sit ups, as do Mindy’s Abs, in the mirror. ALL stand. Mindy’s Head examines Mindy’s Abs in the mirror.) MINDY’S ABS Ow. That hurts. MINDY’S HEAD Sorry. We’ll just have to do it more often then. MINDY’S ABS I’m a lot firmer than I was in the winter, you know! No more panty line sag, no wiggly-jiggly-jello-like action. Even Michael said he noticed a difference. MINDY’S HEAD Not good enough. I want steel. Abs of steel. Flat-as-a-board-GI-Jane-go-ahead-and-hit-me steel. MINDY’S ABS (Exasperated.) Oh, please. It’s not possible! MINDY’S HEAD It’s certainly not possible, if we don’t try. Next. (Mindy’s Abs leave the mirror frame and Mindy’s Thighs take their place.) MINDY’S HEAD Oh, I hate you. MINDY’S THIGHS Could we try to be a little less hostile, here? I just woke up! MINDY’S HEAD Sorry, I’m just discouraged. That’s all. MINDY’S THIGHS What’ll it be today? Running? Biking? Swimming? Nautilus? Low cal power shakes? Videos? Cellophane wrap? MINDY’S HEAD I didn’t do the cellophane wrap! MINDY’S THIGHS You ordered it! You were going to do it until Michael found the box and made you throw it away. MINDY’S HEAD I was not going to do it! MINDY’S THIGHS Then why’d you order it? MINDY’S HEAD It was a three o’clock in the morning infomercial! I wasn’t thinking clearly! MINDY’S THIGHS You’re never thinking clearly when it comes to me. You won’t be thinking clearly until you stop thinking about IT. MINDY’S HEAD Now why did you bring that up? I haven’t thought about IT for days! I’m not going to do IT. MINDY’S THIGHS Swear on you grandmother’s grave? No matter how old you get? No matter how many children you have? No matter who comes to your high school reunion? MINDY’S HEAD You’re being ridiculous. I don’t need to swear. I’m just not going to do IT. MINDY’S THIGHS Swear it. Swear that you will never do IT to me or any other part of you! Swear it! MINDY’S BREASTS, ABS, and THIGHS Yeah! Swear it! Swear it! Swear it! MINDY’S HEAD That’s enough! Stop it! I won’t do IT! (MICHAEL enters, wearing running clothes. MICHAEL is played by four actors: MICHAEL’S HEAD, MICHAEL’S PECS, MICHAEL’S ABS, and MICHAEL’S PENIS. As with Mindy, all actors move in unison as much as possible.) MICHAEL’S HEAD Do what, Min? MINDY’S HEAD Nothing. MICHAEL’S HEAD (Drawing her out.) Mindy? (Pause.) MINDY’S HEAD Liposuction. I’m not going to do liposuction. (Mindy’s Breasts, Abs, and Thighs gasp. The next three comments are overlapping.) MINDY’S ABS Oh, my God! She said IT! MINDY’S THIGHS You promised not to say IT! MINDY’S BREASTS No, no, no! Don’t say IT! MICHAEL’S HEAD Min, don’t even think about it. MINDY’S THIGHS Don’t even think about it. MICHAEL’S HEAD You don’t need that. MINDY’S ABS We don’t need that. MICHAEL’S HEAD You’re beautiful, just the way you are. MINDY’S BREASTS We’re beautiful, just the way we are. MICHAEL’S HEAD You’re perfect. MINDY’S THIGHS You hear that? He said we’re perfect. MICHAEL’S PENIS Well, that’s laying it on a little thick, isn’t it? (Pause.) MINDY’S HEAD That’s laying it on a little thick, isn’t it? MICHAEL’S HEAD You know what I mean. I’m totally satisfied with your body. I think it’s beautiful. You don’t need to change it in any way. MICHAEL’S PENIS What about those thighs? Don’t you think they’re a little big? MINDY’S THIGHS Fuck you! MICHAEL’S PECS (To Michael’s Penis.) Will you shut up? MINDY’S HEAD But my thighs, don’t you think they’re too big? MICHAEL’S HEAD No! Not at all! MICHAEL’S PENIS Liar. MINDY’S THIGHS Liar! MINDY’S HEAD I don’t believe you. MICHAEL’S PECS He’s trying to tell the truth. MICHAEL’S ABS Half truth is better than no truth, don’t you think? MICHAEL’S HEAD What do you want me to say, Min? If I tell you I think you’re perfect you don’t believe me, but if I say your thighs are too big you’ll kill me. MINDY’S HEAD (Aggressively.) Did you ever say that? MICHAEL’S PENIS No, I said it. MICHAEL’S HEAD No! I never said that. But you’ve said it so many times, you’ve convinced yourself that I’ve said it. MINDY’S ABS He did say it. MICHAEL’S PENIS I did say it. MINDY’S THIGHS I heard him. MINDY’S HEAD Are you sure, you’ve never said it? Not once? MICHAEL’S HEAD I’m sure. (Pause.) MINDY’S THIGHS Half truth. Hmmph. MINDY’S HEAD (Almost in tears.) But I think they’re too big! Oh Michael, what am I going to do? First I think I should exercise more so they’ll get firmer but then I think that exercise will only make them bigger and I’ll look like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger so then I think I should just do nothing but then I’m afraid I’ll just get fat! MICHAEL’S HEAD You don’t have to do anything, Min. You just have to be satisfied with your body the way it is. Accept your body. MINDY’S HEAD That’s easy for you to say. Men. MINDY’S BREASTS You can say that again. MINDY’S ABS AND THIGHS Men! MINDY’S HEAD You don’t have to go to the supermarket every week and see Barbie doll women pasted on the cover of Glamour and Cosmo. You don’t have to worry when men look you over and worry even more when they don’t look you over. You don’t have to worry in March about whether you’ll be ready for your bikini when summer comes. You don’t have to worry about the bimbo-de-jour who’s gonna take your husband away because he can’t help thinking with his penis instead of his head. MICHAEL’S PENIS Hey! Watch it! I’ve made some very good decisions! MINDY’S HEAD You don’t have to worry about pornography, sexism, date rape, the glass ceiling, and losing your body when you have kids, and you don’t have to worry about MY MOTHER! MICHAEL’S HEAD Your mother? MICHAEL’S ABS Her mother? I like her mother. She makes a nice pasta. MINDY’S HEAD Yes! My mother! Every time I call her on the phone: "You’re not eating too much, are you, Mindy, dear? You want to keep that nice figure. You need to keep a man’s attention." MICHAEL’S HEAD Tell her to go to hell. MINDY’S THIGHS Yeah, go to hell, mom! MINDY’S BREASTS, ABS, and THIGHS Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell! MINDY’S HEAD I can’t tell her to go to hell, she’s my mother! MICHAEL’S HEAD You tell me to go to hell all the time, and I’m your husband. MINDY’S HEAD But you didn’t grow up in the fifties. MINDY’S ABS Don’t bet on it. When was the last time he cooked dinner? MINDY’S HEAD When was the last time you cooked dinner? MICHAEL’S HEAD (Confused by the question.) I don’t know, why? MINDY’S ABS See? MINDY’S HEAD Nothing. Never mind. You don’t understand. It’s very easy for a man in our culture to be satisfied with his body, but it’s next to impossible for a woman. MICHAEL’S HEAD If it’s impossible, then why even bother? MINDY’S HEAD Of course I have to bother, Michael. Don’t be an idiot. MICHAEL’S HEAD Why bother trying to live up to a standard that you know is impossible? MINDY’S HEAD I know that intellectually, Michael. But I want to feel satisfied with my body. I need to feel it. MICHAEL’S HEAD Well I don’t feel satisfied with my body either. (The next three comments are overlapping.) MICHAEL’S PECS Hey, wait a minute here! MICHAEL’S ABS What the hell are you talking about? MICHAEL’S PENIS What the fuck is this? MINDY’S HEAD (Not believing him.) Oh, yes you do. MICHAEL’S HEAD No, really. I wish I were taller, I wish my eyes were blue, I wish my pecs were bigger. MICHAEL’S PECS You lying piece of shit! You were just bragging to Bob the other day about how you could finally bench press two hundred! MICHAEL’S HEAD Well, not bigger, really. I wish they had more definition. MICHAEL’S PECS Definition? I’ll give you a definition: Michael: a lying piece of shit that talks out of both sides of his mouth. MICHAEL’S ABS Will you shut up? MICHAEL’S HEAD I could stand to lose an inch or two around my waist. MICHAEL’S ABS That fuck! (Michael’s Penis laughs at Michael’s Abs) MICHAEL’S HEAD And ... (Pause.) MINDY’S HEAD (Encouraging him a little.) And ... MICHAEL’S HEAD And ... I wish my penis were a little bigger. (Michael’s Pecs and Abs laugh at Michael’s Penis.) MICHAEL’S PENIS That son of a bitch! You told me that that didn’t matter to you any more! MICHAEL’S PECS Half truth is better than no truth, bro. MICHAEL’S HEAD The last thing. It doesn’t really matter that much. It would just be nice. That’s all. You know ... to know that I was above average ... in size. MINDY’S HEAD (Gently.) Michael, you know the size of your penis doesn’t matter to me. MICHAEL’S PENIS It obviously matters to somebody around here. MICHAEL’S HEAD I can’t help but think that if I were bigger, I could satisfy you more. And that you don’t really know it because you haven’t ever felt a penis that was a lot bigger than mine. MINDY’S THIGHS Why don’t you get her a dildo? MICHAEL’S PENIS Why don’t we get you a muzzle? MINDY’S THIGHS Don’t start with me, you prick. MINDY’S HEAD (Gently.) Michael, you know that I am not attracted to you because of the size of your penis. (Pause.) MICHAEL’S HEAD (Successfully reassured.) Yeah, I know. MINDY’S HEAD Or the size of your pecs, or flatness of your tummy. MICHAEL’S HEAD Yeah, I know. MICHAEL’S PECS Then what the hell are we doing all this work for? MICHAEL’S ABS Yeah! That’s what I’d like to know! Bring on the beer man! Fuck those sit-ups! MINDY’S HEAD The only reason you work out is for yourself. MICHAEL’S HEAD That’s true. MINDY’S HEAD Whereas I have to work out for all of society. MINDY’S THIGHS Not true. Just your mother. MINDY’S BREASTS If it weren’t for your mother we’d be on easy street. MINDY’S HEAD And that, my friend, is why you are satisfied and I am not. MICHAEL’S HEAD Yeah, I guess you’re right. MICHAEL’S PECS See? I knew he was satisfied. I knew it. MICHAEL’S ABS Hey, you think we could convince him to be satisfied with less? (pause) MICHAEL’S HEAD Hey Min? I’m sorry you have to feel all that pressure. I wish it were different. MINDY’S HEAD Thanks. Me too. (Pause.) MINDY’S THIGHS Hey Min! How about that satisfied-with-less idea? I kind of like that. MINDY’S ABS What about her mother? MINDY’S HEAD She can go to hell. MICHAEL’S HEAD What? MINDY’S HEAD My mother. She can go to hell. MICHAEL’S HEAD (A little puzzled.) Oh, OK. (Mindy’s Head turns to face Mindy’s Breasts, Abs, and Thighs.) MINDY’S HEAD I’m sorry body. For being so hard on you. (Mindy’s Head hugs Mindy’s Breasts, Abs, and Thighs. Michael’s Head hugs Mindy’s Head. Michael’s Pecs, Abs, and Penis join in the hug. Pause. Mindy’s Head turns around to face Michael’s Head. They join hands.) MICHAEL’S HEAD (Flirtatiously.) Why don’t you let me be hard on your body instead? MICHAEL’S PECS Oh yeah! MICHAEL’S ABS Nice one! MICHAEL’S PENIS (Getting a little excited.) Oh, something’s happening here! MINDY’S HEAD (Flirtatiously.) You little devil. MINDY’S THIGHS I can’t believe she fell for that one! MINDY’S HEAD Well, don’t just stand there. You’re the one with your clothes on. (Michael [all four actors] takes his clothes off.) MICHAEL’S PENIS Yeeeeeehaaaaaa! (Mindy’s Head and Michael’s Head join hands again. At the same time, Mindy’s Breasts and Michael’s Pecs join hands, Mindy’s Abs and Michael’s Abs join hands, and Mindy’s Thighs and Michael’s Penis join hands. Mindy’s Head and Michael’s Head kiss, while the others strike a series of choreographed poses or a short dance that suggests the two making love. After making love, Mindy and Michael lie on the bed and on stage, tired, and satisfied.) MICHAEL’S PENIS That was great. MINDY’S THIGHS That was great. MICHAEL’S PECS Wow. MINDY’S ABS Wow. MICHAEL’S ABS That was nice. Are we gonna have a beer now? MINDY’S BREASTS Still a little rough with the kneading. MICHAEL’S HEAD That was great. I love you. MINDY’S HEAD That was terrific. I love you too. (Pause. Mindy’s Head and Michael’s Head kiss.) MINDY’S BREASTS You’re gonna talk to him about the kneading thing, right? LIGHTS |
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